The study room blues

Sat in the college study room, attempting some long overdue essays, I can't keep my mind from wandering. So I'm back to the blog.

A busy term has meant that not a single blog has been posted since the start of October; and with Christmas and New Year dawning, and then the start of exam season, the literate drought seems set to continue.

According to popular opinion, the world is planning on ending in 2012. To those of you believing this, I'd like to offer some words of encouragement.

"Get some perspective"

For one, when you're still around in 2013, hung-over on new years day, remembering how badly Great Britain did in the olympics; moreover, how terribly we hosted it, you'll realise it was a farce. A farce that has been tried every year since the dawn of philosophy.

Secondly, even if it were to happen, what could you do about it? Short of designing a bio-dome system and migrating to a distant constellation, there's not much that you can do to avoid your demise. And so why waste your precious 3 years worrying?

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Is there anything in the world now that doesn't have a group on facebook?
Some of may favourite idiotic groups have included the ridiculous "Skip school day" and "If X number of people join, I will name my son Batman", for which I have seen no evidence, despite gaining double the required number of members. The most stupid and absurd group so far, however, was "If 1,170,000 people join, my girlfriend will marry me." After a million people, this group was closed down after the blokes girlfriend, along with two other people in his friend list with the same name, recieved inordinate amounts of hate mail from pathetic facebook users.

"If one million monkeys were given a computer, they would eventually write out the entire works of shakespeare." It's safe to say that the internet has proved this untrue.

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I’m Back.

After an absence of over two months, I have returned to the world of blogging. Hopefully regularly.

Since my last post, the summer happened. As did the return to school and a large number of events attached to both. I won’t talk about these.

Instead I’ll devote this blog to the subject of driving.

Since my last blog, I have started driving and have discovered three things:

First: When put in a car, everyone becomes a bastard. I know I’m not a skilled and knowledgeable driver yet, but I can bloody well tell when someone does something terrible on the road. For example, that blind and stupid 4x4 driver who cut me up on the A381, subsequently receiving a long blast of the Suzuki Swift’s horn, delivered by my driving instructor. Who was in fact sat in the passenger seat.

Second: Towns are dangerous and confusing places. Enter with caution.

Third: Even when faced with a convoy of three cars, fronted by a learner driver, in a car with a 3ft triangle plastered in red “L”s on the roof. Grockels will not reverse 50 yards down a country lane to a passing place. And will happily force aforementioned learner and accomplices to reverse for several hundred miles, so that they do not have to scratch their BMW in the hedge.

I knew Grockels were stupid, lazy and irritating, but that takes it to the extreme.

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A glimpse of life.

Again, stumbleupon came up trumps a couple of weeks ago, when i stumbled across a trailer for a book.
The book is called "Not quite what I was planning - Six word memoirs by writers famous and obscure". It started as a project on twitter, with users all over the world writing a six-word story about their life. After watching, I promptly bought the book and here are some of my favourites:

After Harvard, had baby with crackhead. - Robin Templeton

I still make coffee for two. - Zak Nelson

Living for Jesus because earth sucks. - Johnny Johnson

Should have learned to count. - David Wheatley

dam smart - never lerned to spel. - Rachel Ehrlich

Fifteen years since last professional haircut. - Dave Eggers

Revenge is living well, without you. - Joyce Carol Oates

Secret of life: Marry an Italian. - Nora Ephron



These little bits of peoples lives, or a whole life summed up in so small a sentence has inspired me. I've been writing some of my own:

Found Love, wasn't what I expected.

Glimpsed a life, never seen again.

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That second story, I came up with while thinking about all the people I've met on trains and buses. I often have small conversations, or help people out with luggage troubles, or even just ask a stranger if they mind me closing a window. In these moments, I've seen a tiny part of a whole life, that I'll never see again, or see any more of. Sometimes, it's the smallest of things. Other times, I can guess at huge amounts of who the person is and what they're doing. Mostly, it's great to impact in someones life, just to make them smile for five minutes or think a little bit. And it's even greater to have them do it back to me.

Almost every train or bus journey I make now, I'm truely humbled.
Think about it.

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The Consumer Religion

After a two week absence from the blog, I'm back. This time with a short something to ponder over; here goes:

Consumer glory, fed by the patience of the people.
Merciful conglomerates oversee the seething digital market place.
A raging tide of red figures parts for a retail prophet to lead an army of bidders and investers for whom there seems little else but the cash in their pockets and the wealth they seek.
Blind are they to the affairs that really govern this world and to the condemning forces that overwhelm their own imagined microcosm.
This is their religion, this is their consumate legacy.
Is this really what the world's come to?
Forgetting the importance of the now ordinary concepts of love and family, of sanctity and faith and of pleasure in these things has become the norm.
Once wrapped up so tight, it's difficult to unravel the fabric that holds the greed in place.
This is their religion, this is their consumate legacy.

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The longest day

I promised myself I wouldn't do this. Everyone's blogs are about their lifes and I wanted mine to be a little different. Just my perspective on the world, as it were.
But this is different.
In the early hours of Sunday 5th July, Jamie Baker, Tom Capewell and a young boy named Noah lost their lives after a car crash.
I found out about the crash at 12:45am on the morning of sunday 5th. I was asked to pray, being told they were all alive and talking with some injuries, so I prayed for a swift recovery and for them to be comforted and went to sleep. It had sounded like they would be ok.
I woke up at 8 o clock to two text messages. One recieved at 1:21am, telling me that Jamie and one of the other boys had died, not knowing if it was Tj or Noah. Then at 5:47am, confirming that all three boys had tragically passed away.

Tj was 17, hoping to start driving soon. Although he and I had our ups and downs, when starting at secondary school, we had been close friends. We joined the same youth group, and shared many incredible, funny and interesting memories.

Jamie was a cheeky, silly guy, always wanting a laugh. Always looking for more out of life. He was known for his long hair and for doing things that other people would consider too dangerous or frightful to do themselves.

I didn't know Noah, being only 8 years old.

Today has been the longest day of my life. A puzzle of remorse, confusion, sadness and sympathy. The reality hasn't sunk in, and I'm dreading the day at school tomorrow.
I remember looking around the sixth form centre, after something my cousin had said in a similar situation. "I thought to myself that some of these guys might not make it to their 21st birthday, maybe not even until they're 18." As morbid as it was, I realised that not everyone in the room would marry and have children. Least of all, did I expect Tom to be that one, nor Jamie.
The guys were vibrant and seemed to have a surplus of life, like it wouldn't run out.
I, personally, will remember these two guys for the light they brought into my life and the lives of my friends.

Have a large one on me boys. See you in a while.

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Orgies, The Mona Lisa and OCD.

On my travels through the internet this evening, several interesting things caught my attention.

Orgies began as religious events, originating in Greece, by way of an offering to the Gods.

Studies have proven that it is harder to tell a convincing lie to someone that you find sexually attractive.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows - Check it out.

The Nazi SS uniforms were designed by Hugo Boss.

80% of all pictures on the internet are of naked women.

Fascinating.

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I've recently heard of many people's strange obsessive compulsive habits.
Mine personally is that the duvet must be exactly in the middle of bed. Ie, the exact same length dangling off each side.

Comment me with yours :)

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Political Correctness

I start with "Brainstorm". This has been added to the list of politically incorrect words because epileptic people don't like this word used to describe a mindmap.
A friend of mine was recently incredibly hesitant at describing a man as black, so as I'd know who the man was. He was afraid to be classed as a racist.
"Bum" has been replaced by "Homeless person" and "Foreign food" by "Ethnic cuisine". It's now wrong to utter the word "Criminal", the correct term is "An Unsavoury Character"! A "Sex change" must technically be called a "Gender reassignment".

Other words that we're not allowed, or simply to afraid, to use include:

Rubbish man, Ghetto, Crazy, Housewife, Immigrants, Midget, Fairy, Poof, Camp and Prostitute.
As mentioned previously, the words "Black" and "White" are quickly becoming unacceptable, which will make it very difficult for coffee loving PC citizens. Even the American "Founding Fathers" have been renamed to just "The founders", for sexism reasons.

Politcal correctness has gone mad! Soon we'll have to say "Visually challenged" instead of "Ugly" and "Follicularly Challenge" instead of "Bald". Forget using the term "Fat" because "Differently weighted" is much less offensive apparently.

For your information, I'm a religiously minded person of English decent who works as a Kitchen Hygeine Officer. Quite catchy, isn't it? Sort of... Rolls off the toungue. Much easier than White Christian dish pig.

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Winnie-the-pooh

I've found a load of quotes from Winnie-the-pooh, and because I didn't believe that half of them were from Pooh bear, I checked. The following selection of my favourites all come from the mind of A.A. Milne.

"If there's a buzzing-noise, somebody's making a buzzing-noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing-noise that I know of is because you're a bee."

“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"”

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”

“If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”

“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.”

I thought you needed to read them. May joy be unconfined to you.

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The thing about beauty

I've been pondering "What is beauty?". We can all tell the hot girl from the crowd, or look at a guy and say he's good looking. But when it gets down to it, what is beauty?
The Collins English Dictionary defines it as this:

"The combination of all the qualities of a person or thing that delight the senses and please the mind."

Now, it'd be very cliched of me to tell you that true beauty comes from within, so for now, I won't. Although, I do generally believe that. But beauty on the outside is what I'm currently thinking about and it's a fragile thing. Beauty is not a concept that holds fast across geographical borders or time. A mauritanian is likely to find a large, plump woman attractive. Whereas, it seems in the western cultures, visible ribs and hip bones is what gets men dizzy. Japanese geishas paint their faces a brilliant white and are viewed as the most beautiful citizens. For many african tribes, lip stretching is seen as a sign of value in a woman and the larger the lip plate, the more cows they are worth. In the Kayan tribe of thailand, an artificially elongated neck is the ideal of beauty.
The culture in which you live seems to dictate what a person will find physically attractive and also, the extent to which beauty is emphasised.

If you roll back the clocks to the era of Elizabeth I, woman were plucking back their hair lines to create a larger forehead and drawing veins on their chests to give the impression of translucent skin. And if you look at what is revered as beauty by today's standards, the change is dramatic.

For me?
Beauty is tall and blonde with blue eyes, a good bum and a cracking smile.

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Kings and Extreme Pooch

It's widely believed that light is the fastest thing in the universe. I, however, disagree with this. I think that Monarchy, the state of being a monarch, is faster than Light.
The reasoning behind it is this:
There cannot be more than one king or queen and tradition dictates that there be no gap between the reign of one king or queen and the next. So, when a monarch dies, the succession must therefore pass to their heir instantaneously.
Presumably, there must be some elementary particles - kingons, or possibly queenons - that do this job. However, succession can sometimes fail if, mid-flight, they strike an anti-particle, or republicon.

It may be possible to send messages using these particles, modulating the signal by torturing a small king. Although, it's not advised because this would be treason.

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I saw on the news the other day, a dog that can genuinely skateboard. Frankly, I'm amazed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziDeUbifKIM

http://www.skateboardingbulldog.com/

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Olds and Kindness.

The truth is, I'm bored of the news. It's all become olds. In fact, it's always been olds. We've heard enough about the current financial climate and Politician's money to predict the progress of both for the next few weeks at least.
But really, I've noticed that the newspapers, especially local gazettes and village newsletters, only tell you about what you already know. A rundown of the music festivals, and a comentary on how terrible the floods have been would be sincerely interesting to me, had i not experienced them first hand. Along with the rest of the county.

I've also noticed that Newspapers tend to contain three things. They contain:
- Things that people are interested in
- Human interest stories
- and things that are in the public interest

The first of these is pretty self-explanatory, it's what people are interested in. The second is things that are interesting to humans, naturally gossip and such things.
The third, interestingly, are the things that no one is interested in.

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Is it wrong to dream of a world, where people are unchained from the shackles of a melencholy, solitary existence; no longer moving from A to B without so much as a smile at one of the 6 billion people we share the planet with?

It'd be nice to be able to step onto a train, and say good morning the the person stood opposite you, or offer a sweet to the man who kindly allows you to sit next to him, without being considered a wierdo.

It'd also be nice for people to be nicer to one another, helping out to make someone's day a little easier. For example, helping a mother off a train with her child's push chair, or opening a door for someone carrying a heavy load.

Sometimes, it may be good to go out of your way. Buy a take-away coffee for the big issue seller, stood out in the pouring rain. Perhaps even go and talk to him. You never know, you may just make his day.

This is an initiative called "Acts of kindness". Even a tiny thing like a smile in the right place can improve a person's mood and even their whole day tenfold.

Do it! :)

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"Just one more click..."

The Stumble upon phenomenon has been keeping me awake, yet again. This little green and blue button, innocent looking enough, is a sinister weapon devised by some internet genius to make people sleep later. I'm convinced of it.

For those of you who haven't yet experienced Stumble upon, I'll explain. It's a plugin downloadable to your internet browser, which gives you a tool bar, there are various options on this toolbar but the main feature is the button saying "Stumble!".
Clicking this button generates a random website, which can be preferenced or otherwise, which will help to give results you'll like more.
How can you get this you ask? Just google for "Stumble upon", easy peasy.

A word of warning. This is not for the faint of heart. Side affects of Stumble upon include:

-Late nights
-Grouchiness and mood swings
-Addiction

and can eventually lead to the development of "JOMCS" or "Just one more click syndrome". After telling yourself that you'll only click it once, just before you go to bed, you will be compelled to click it "Just once more" for the next hour. At least.

You have been warned.

Your nightmare begins now

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Fiddlers and passers-by

Have you seen the Mitsubishi Pajero? These over-sized chelsea tractors are the Japanese imports of the Mitsubishi Shogun. And unfortunately, the Japanese aren't tremendously clever with their names.

The aim was to name the car after a horse and because both the car and horses are so obviously spanish, the company wanted it to be horse in spanish.
The intended name was "Pajaro" to mean pony, which instead means parrot. And due to an apparent spelling error in Mitsubishi's admin department it was named the "Pajero" which litterally translated from spanish means "One who fiddles with himself". In other words, flash-cash 4x4 owners everywhere are driving around with the word "Wanker" painted across their car in big letters.

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I've been fascinated recently at how many people we crash into and have encounters with in our day to day lives. People we've never met before and will probably never meet again.

Yesterday, travelling to see my girlfriend by train, I was asked "Excuse me, are you ok?" by a girl who could see the obvious look of puzzlement on my face at the announcement that the train I was to catch was only stopping at a station half way before the one i wanted to get off at. She told me that she was making the same journey and what was happening with train changes. She was very kind and we stuck together until after we were on the second train.

Another man, on my second train, offered his mobile phone for me to use, seeing that I was having trouble with signal on my own.

Call me soppy, but I was truely touched by how friendly and kind these people were.

After helping the gentleman with his bag off the train, I said thank you and left. Probably never to see him again.

What a shame.

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Sleeping habits and digital photography.

I'm going to start this one nice and simply. I sleep naked. People often think of me as wierd for doing this. However, there are many substantial benefits.
The first of which is that it increases your general health. By having no fabric or tight elastic distracting you, you are able to get more comfortable and are eased into a deeper state of sleep. This deeper, longer sleep makes it easier for your body to repair itself, regenerate and build energy.
Sleeping naked also increases the state of calm throughout the day and allows you to relax more easily. The combination of this increased level of calm and a better nights sleep, mean that concentration is at a higher level and the mind is in more of a state to work and thinking.

There are also many sexual benefits. Sleeping naked with a partner can heighten the level of intimacy between you, resulting in better and more frequent sex.
The cooler conditions have also been found to increase fertility in men.

So, despite the fact that someone may walk in on you, or that you'd be caught out in an emergency, I urge you all to sleep naked. This will result in a happier, better world.

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I have been supremely impressed with the Pentax K20D I bought nearly a week ago. I've taken some stunning shots with it and hopefully will continue to do so.
Here's another example of said pictures:

The horror of summer in a small market town.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that time of year has swung round again. It's time for those in their boats and croc sandles to grace us with their prensence and swan among us, our overlords, our customers, our income. Yes, I'm talking about Grockels. Those loud mouthed yuppies with all the fashion sense of a delirious goldfish. And much less common sense to boot.
I understand that they're needed for our local economy. But is it really necessary for them to arrive in cars that would rival a cruiseliner in a width contest? What's more, with their floppy wigs hanging in their eyes, the can't see out of the backs of their jerk mobiles to reverse. And with their black-out sunglasses, the blighters are unable to see that they are infact 2 feet away from the hedge, making unsuspecting locals drive through the hedge and possibly into the field on the other side.

The large part of their visit that hacks me off, is that the grockel season is the only time of year when anything interesting happens. During the winter, there's nothing for anyone around the coastal fishing villages to do. When the sun comes out and the beaches are warm enough to sit on, and there are local events being held... BAM! The grockels swarm and swamp the beaches, giving the locals the damp, crowded part in the shade at the end of the beach and congregate infront of the event, giving locals the back to stand and stretch their necks as the peer among a forrest of pink hats and glasses straps.

As a friend of mine once wrote on a t-shirt, wearing it as he sailed up the Salcombe estuary at height of season:

"DIE YUPPIE SCUM"

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On a slightly lighter note, here's a picture:



Taken with my brand new dslr. More to come possibly.

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Dangerous birds and strange driving habits

Only in Devon could you cycle along a country lane and come across a sign saying "Beware of ducks and poultry". It's true that the common mallard has become a new kind of guard pet, easily able to fend off most foxes and a number of small children, not to mention the numerous vicious attacks on the public by rabid chickens. Thinking of beefing up the home security? Pop down to your local duck farm and pick up a couple.

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On my travels, having just frightened an innocent looking horse, I was passed by a ford fiesta. Nothing unusual about that.
However, hanging out of all three passenger windows were a young girl and two older boys. The woman driving acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary, as they sped off up the hill at 40 miles an hour.

Only in Devon...

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Funny little stories and crap translation.

Today I re-found two pieces of writing that I rather like.
The first is in the introduction to a book by Garth Nix, it's a story he wrote at the age of six.

"A boy went outside
it started raining coins
he picked them up"

Now, I'm not one for english work by year twos, but I think that's genuinely touching and excellent. It's simple but at the same time, meaningful.

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The second piece of writing, I found in an old notebook of mine. I had noted down some funny signs posted around china that a friend had shown me, on her return from a trip out there.
In an airport, she had seen:

"Hurtle to adjust your beverage"

Does this mean "No drinks whilst flying through the air"? Or more "Throw yourself at a passer by, in the hope they'll quench your thirst"?

Another was found in a town.

"Hot an egg yolk parties"

This, I believe, is the equivalent of a spa, or an Avon party. Although, in china, they obviously find chicken ovules more theraputic than bath bombs and nail polish.

The last one is my favourite, positioned appropriately on a section of the great wall of china that had fallen into disrepair. It said precisely this:

"Slip and fall down carefully"

It's nice to know that they want you to be safe, whilst breaking both of your legs.

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Chocolate buttons and those lazy hazy crazy days of summer.

Do you remember chocolate buttons from when you were little? I know, they're still around today. But as a child, there was something magical about them. You could pop one in your mouth, and the incredible cadbury's chocolatey goodness would cover your entire tongue. It was like a giant slab of chocolate in those days.
More recently, however, I've found that when eating chocolate buttons, they don't quite fill my mouth in the same way. It's a miniscule amount of chocolate.
Happily, I've found giant chocolate buttons. And I've been reliving that wonderous experience ever since. Although, I've noticed that mothers have been feeding their younguns said giant buttons. Therefore, for these children to grow up and rediscover, love and cherish their fondest childhood memories, Cadbury's are going to have to produce Giant Giant chocolate buttons.
Until mothers begin feeding these to their children, and the whole story unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
I predict that in 100 years time, chocolate buttons will be bus-sized.

Today's question: Is Nat King Cole not the best?

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Washing up, Cheesecake and interesting lines.

I'm sitting up, still pumping with adrenaline from my shift at work, eating some of Dave's cheesecake. Really, I'm shitass tired. I ache from toe to shoulder and I could use a good night's sleep. I won't be able to sleep though.

Over a week away from work has left me realising that washing up is not only theraputic, but is also rather good at combatting spots. I'm now not working for over two weeks, while I'm on exam leave, and despite liking the idea of having even more free weekends, I suspect I'll miss it. Of course, when I return, I'll grow weary very quickly.

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Earlier, I remembered a quote I once read in the booklet of Afi's "Decemberunderground" that has always made me ponder:

"What's the cat to do when the mouse is begging?"

I don't know what it is, but there's something about that line that always hits something deep inside of me. But I'm probably reading too much into it.

This cheesecake is really rather delicious.

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First blog, Swine flu.

As this is a first blog, I've got about a million things I want to say. I'll stick to just one.

Yes, the dreaded swine flu is rife and you're all going to die.
Stay indoors, lock up your children and wear six face masks, just to be on the safe side.
If caught out of doors when the beast rears it's ugly, snot ridden face, make sure you're carrying a can of common sense and spray liberally.
Stop panicking, fools.


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